The first of the five love languages I want to discuss is on its surface, probably the most straightforward and that is the idea of giving gifts as an act of love. The idea, of course, is that someone will get you gifts and buy you things to show love or affection. When I took the love language quiz many years ago, this was actually my lowest score, because honestly, I find the idea of gift-giving exhausting and anxiety-inducing. Almost as anxiety-inducing as receiving a gift, because receiving gifts has been known to make me very uncomfortable, and this is true for many neurodivergent people.
One thing I had to learn, though, was that gift-giving is not necessarily a formal action for those who have this as their primary love language. True, they do like to pick things out for a birthday or holiday gift, but it’s not just that which qualifies as a gift. Buying someone a lunch or a coffee may fulfill the act of gift giving. And let’s not forget the gift of your time (see, I told you the love languages bleed into each other) as the idea of giving someone an event or experience rather than a physical gift has begun to be more popular for people who don’t value physical possessions as highly. A gift could also be something that you made for another person. A piece of art or a scarf or fruit from your garden… A gift can be seen in many ways.
For neurodivergent people, the version of this love language is often referred to as “penguin pebbling,” in reference to the fact that a penguin will put in long and hard hours searching for the perfect pebble to offer another penguin as a sort of “engagement ring.” Now, while a neurodivergent person may not spend hours combing the beach, it’s not exactly uncommon that the gift given will be an actual pebble. The message is “it’s difficult for me to form attachments with people sometimes, but we seem to have bonded, and I wanted to show you that that is important to me.”
It doesn’t have to be a pebble, of course. A lot of times it’s art or jewelry they made themselves. It could be something storebought, but chances are it will be something they are interested in, not necessarily something you are interested in, but something that they want to share with you because their relationship with you is meaningful to them, and they’re hoping that that will make it meaningful to you.
