I don’t feel like writing a post today.

As I write this, I’m two days ahead on posts because I’ve been writing every day, but not posting every day.

Normally, I would take this opportunity to say “It’s okay, I don’t have to write today.” But then one day turns into two days, and then that turns into a week, and that’s how I go for months without posting anything.

The ADHD brain is very strange. It cannot take breaks. I have come to realize that people who do not have brains like mine tend to not understand this concept very well.

“You have to take a break. You need a break.”

I may need a break, but if I sit down, my brain will assume that I am done working for the day and I will not get up again. The same is true for routines. If I miss a day, my brain computes that as “We are not doing this routine anymore,” and it will be lost.

I managed to hold onto the same routine for two months once. That is a record that people in my ADHD groups always seem impressed by.

They say that if you can hold onto a routine for 21 days, it becomes a habit. That may work for the neurotypical person, but I can tell you that from my experience, habits can be as easily dropped as a hot pan most of the time. Including hygiene and other care task habits. I still have reminders on my phone for remembering meds, bedtime routines, and reminding me to put the baby down for a nap at a certain time. I have to actively remind and sometimes coerce myself to do these things because the only habit a person with ADHD can form easily is one that brings with it an exceedingly large amount of dopamine, and even that has its limitations.

I held onto that routine for over sixty days, and then one day I sat down. I sat down because I was near the end of my third pregnancy and I was tired. I felt underappreciated. I was depressed. I couldn’t follow through that day. I figured a one-day break couldn’t hurt and I could pick it back up tomorrow.

I never picked it back up.

I was never able to follow through on that routine again. And I’m still trying to establish a new one, two years later.

I’m starting with writing daily. I only have a little bit of time, daily, but I’m going to use it. I’m not going to skip days. I’m going to write every day and if I don’t feel like writing, then oh well. I’m going to sit here and do it anyway because my ADHD brain does not understand the concept of taking a break.