Recently, I was asked if I had one piece of parenting advice that I could give to neurodivergent parents out there, what it would be. Below, I will restate my answer, but I believe it does not just apply to those of us who are parents with ADHD or autism or any other neurodivergency, but really to any parent who has a mental and/or chronic illness, or really anyone that struggles.

The advice is simply this: do not get caught up in perfectionism.

This has been said a thousand times, but I believe it will need to be said a thousand more. Because we forget. We see the Pinterest Moms with their perfect little bento box lunches and arts and crafts projects for every occasion, we see the perfect looking families on Instagram who have nine kids that smile for every picture perfect photo opportunity and spend their summers in every place you’ve ever wanted to go, but did not have time, energy, or resources to get there.

We see that, and then we start comparing our lives to what we imagine is happening in theirs.

Don’t get sucked in. You will be comparing your entire personal timeline to a photograph that someone snapped in a fraction of a second that is crafted to make it look like that person’s life more desirable. But the truth is, those people may be as miserable on the inside. Remember that 9 children means 9 different poopy butts you have had to clean, nine different children getting sick in your lap. Nine times the volume during those moments when your children are fighting, or even playing cooperatively but also loudly. And yes, they look cute in their matching outfits, but I bet that there is a lot of chaos going on behind the scenes. All those moments you aren’t seeing? Chaotic. All of them.

And sure, it might be nice to have so many little craft projects to do with your kids, but remember, you’re also going to have to put those somewhere when you are done with them. And if they pile up because you’re always doing them, how long can you go before the place that you put them is eventually the trash?

So while you may beat yourself up because you aren’t the perfect parent, I want you to remember something: your kids do not want perfect. They want YOU. As you are. Just you.

Sure, it might be nice to have all those fun things to do, trips to exciting places, art projects, pancake breakfasts where you can make your pancake into a smiley face with toppings, and I’m sure they would look back on those times with fond memories, but what they’re really going to remember more than that is that you were there when they needed you.

You were there when they first learned to ride a bike without training wheels.

You were there when they were having trouble at school or with friends.

You were there when they fell down and needed to be bandaged up.

You were there when they got scared in the middle of the night and needed someone to just cuddle with them for a while.

You were there.

And when they move out, but still need to come home sometimes to discuss their struggles or their hurts, or to tell you how excited they are about something coming up in their future, you will still be there.

So no, you are not a perfect parent, but that has never mattered to them. You’re just right, just the way you are.