Kids make the most outrageous requests, sometimes, don’t they? At least my kids do. Whether what they want to do is impossible, not feasible at the moment, or inappropriate, sometimes we just have to deny them whatever it is they are demanding.

And that’s perfectly reasonable. Kids should have firm boundaries so that they can learn what is expected of them.

The problem came when I was telling my kids “no,” so often that it would sometimes come out of my mouth before they could get a whole sentence out. And that isn’t really fair to anyone. My kids should never be made to feel like they are not being heard, and I felt that if I continued in that way, there is a good chance my telling them “no” even before they had finished their question would inevitably lead to exactly that.

Not to mention, me telling them “no,” so matter-of-factly was leading to some pretty intense power battles, which I would rather steer clear of if possible because I don’t want to be my children’s overlord, I want to be their mentor.

Besides, the word “no,” doesn’t really give my kids any direction. Sure, they can surmise that I don’t want them to do whatever it is they are asking about, but what DO I want them to do? On top of all that, there is lots of science behind how difficult it is for children, especially small children, to process a negatively phrased sentence. In fact, just today, I was helping my four-year-old find and pick up dog poop in our yard, and I told her “turn around but don’t step back” as there were several pieces spread out behind her. So what does she do? Of course, she takes about six steps backward and steps in several poos.

This led me to trying (and I emphasize the word trying) to commit, for at least the month of December, to find other, more positive ways to tell my kids they can’t always have their way.

And at first, it was very hard at first to retrain my own way of thinking. I still found myself saying “no,” a lot and then correcting myself to rephrase it more positively. And I noticed as the month went on that I was actually listening to them better so that I would know how to respond to them effectively.

If my son asked, “can I play video games?” For example, instead of no, I started saying “before that can happen, you need to complete A, B, and C first.” When my daughter asked if we could go to Disneyland, I would say, “That sounds really fun. How about you draw a picture of what fun things we would do while we are there?”

By the end of the month, I will admit, I would still let slip the occasional “no,” but it was far less frequent. In addition, my kids seemed happier, more relaxed. and while we still do butt heads on occasion (figuratively, of course) it happens a lot less often than it did when December began. And as I sit here writing this, my son is playing video games, I have a living room clear of children’s toys, his bedroom is clean, and all of his schoolwork is done because I was clear about what I expected before he could sit down to play.

I think I will continue to not say no to my children well into January and for the rest of the year. It seems to have positively affected all our lives. And I encourage you to try it for yourself.