As parents, we like to think we are patient people. And for the most part, I think that is probably true. When our children are throwing tantrums or otherwise expressing their anger, frustration, sadness– the whole array of negative emotion– we sit there lovingly, calming them, telling them they are good enough, smart enough, and that people like them.

But what about when they struggle? How likely are you to hop in and provide a solution to their problems when they seem to be having difficulty with a particular concept, solving a problem… tying a shoe?

Most people don’t even wait twenty seconds before interrupting a person talking who may have stopped to take a breath or think of the correct word, and this is doubly true of a parent who just wants to help their child overcome a frustrating situation. But it has been shown that the brain can accomplish quite a bit in twenty seconds, if given the opportunity.

“Twenty seconds?” You say. “That doesn’t seem like a lot of time.”

No, it doesn’t seem like much time at all. Unless you are waiting for a three year old to figure out socks. Wouldn’t it be easier to just put them on her feet for her?

Sure, while that might be easier, how is it going to benefit the kiddos? You already know how to put on socks. All you’re doing is taking away the opportunity for them to learn. Kids want the opportunity to try doing things for themselves so that they can reach their full potential.

My son was trying to zip up his jacket a while back, and he hadn’t yet developed the dexterity to make the task easy, so he stood there and he fumbled with it and I stood there watching him, holding myself back from reaching in there and doing it for him, all the while counting “one, two, three… Trust me, that was probably as difficult for me as the zipper was for him, and yet, by the time I had gotten to about sixteen, there he was with a zipped up jacket, ready to leave.

So next time you’re watching your kids struggle through construction on a lego set, solving a math problem, or trying to find their left shoe, stop and count to twenty before jumping in with help. You might be surprised at how much they are able to accomplish in that tiny time period. And besides, you can always still help, but that extra delay will help them more than anything when they discover how to do something on their own.