Today’s post comes directly from the wisdom of my mother and a little book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

I have not actually read this book, however my mother would recommend it to you if your children leave you feeling out of control because they just don’t listen when you ask them to do something. This may surprise you, but I was not always the level headed logician I am today. If we’re being honest, I am still not level headed nor logical much of the time, but this is not about me, this is about getting your kids to follow through with even the most simple of requests when they are as defiant and strong willed as I prided myself in being during my youth.

My mom read this book while I was in my adolescence, and she wishes she had read it much sooner because she found out that the simple phrasing of a sentence can make a huge difference in getting one’s child to comply. The example she gave me dealt with some milk that had been sitting out on the counter.

“You left the milk out, go put it away.” is what she would have ordinarily said. This would likely have ended up in an argument. Why? Because teenagers don’t like being accused of things or told to do things. And because their brains don’t work right. That isn’t an opinion. That is a scientific fact. But more on that later. For now, what you need to know is that she actually said “Milk left on the counter gets spoiled.”

Guess who jumped right up and put away the milk?

Because here’s the thing: defiant jerks like me, we don’t like being told what to do. We like to think things are our own ideas instead of other people’s. So if something is phrased as a command, it’s going to be met with a rebellious, confrontational attitude. But if it is phrased as a generalized if/then statement that doesn’t single anyone out but does acknowledge that there is a consequence for every action and non-action, that leaves the ball in your kid’s court to take on the responsibility. Will it work 100% of the time? I doubt that, but I have always remembered my mother’s example (see Mom? I listen.) and used it on my own kids and the results are pretty spot on.

Actual things I have said to my children:
“If the lunch dishes are left on the table, we won’t have space to eat dinner.”
“If the dogs don’t get fed, we will have to find a different family for them to live with.”
“If there are still legos on the floor at bedtime, they will become my legos.”

The sentences are constructed so that the subject of them is the thing that needs to be done rather than the person who is expected to do it, followed by whatever happens when that thing does not get done. If you have not tried this technique with your kids, try it! You might be surprised at how effective it is. And if it doesn’t work, then there are plenty of other methods of communication. The right one is out there.