The other day, a picture I took of my daughter throwing a small tantrum was featured on one of those Instagram accounts that highlights photos parents have snapped during a child’s tantrums. I was very excited and thankful for the free publicity, so I clicked the link to see if anyone had liked or commented on the picture. It had received several likes, but the only comment left thus far on the picture was that of a woman who had felt the need to make it public that she would no longer be following this account because, although she enjoyed the parenting memes, she did not appreciate the regular posting of pictures of children in the throes of a tantrum. That’s fine. Not everyone is going to find the humor in tantrum photos. It was what she said next that took me by surprise.

“…There is nothing wrong with punishment and letting your children know that this behavior is unacceptable.”

Folks, let me break this picture down for you. Prior to this photo actually being taken, my daughter came up to me, already frustrated because she was trying to get this witch costume dress on and it was just not cooperating. She was clearly perturbed, but she held it together well enough to ask me for help. I took the dress, pulled it over her head, and then helped her get her arms through the long bell sleeves. She looked down at the dress, then burst into tears and flopped on the floor, which is when I pulled my phone out and quickly snapped a photo. The tantrum lasted less than two minutes, and as she was calming down, she managed to utter the words “it’s on backwards.” I promised her that it was on her correctly, but of course she didn’t believe me, as she is three and far more knowledgeable in everything than I could ever hope to be. Still, she calmed down on her own and soon forgot all about which direction she thought the dress should be facing.

Was her behavior acceptable? No, of course not. Not by adult standards, anyway. And if an adult were to ever get up in arms over which way their dress was facing, I expect they would likely be ridiculed and told to “get over it.” This, however, is a three-year-old girl, still developing into her “I talk to communicate phase” from her former “I cry to get everything I need because I know of no other way to communicate phase.” Which means there is going to be some overlap as a child learns that mature communication is a more effective way of getting what they want.

So what happens when we punish “unacceptable” emotional outbursts such as this one? Studies have shown that negative reactions to negative behavior do not decrease the behavior, but rather distresses the child, causing them to become more reactive, less in control of their behavior: in short, it can ultimately make tantrums worse, not better. Think of it this way, when you are in a stressful situation, and someone tells you “calm down,” how likely are you to actually become calmer? How likely are you to have an emotional reaction to being told to calm down? This follows the same idea. The best way to handle it is to ignore the fact that your child is throwing a tantrum and try to get to the root of the problem. In my case, my daughter thought her dress was on backwards and this just added insult to the “injury” of not being independent enough to put the dress on by herself. I let her calm herself down before I talked to her about it because a huge component of learning mature social behavior is being able to self soothe. Of course, I was right by her side in case she was too worked up to be able to self soothe, which happens a lot with toddlers and young preschoolers, as they are still laying framework for later behavioral patterns. However, she needs the opportunity to at least try soothing herself without my intervention, and in this case, she was able to get herself back on track, no assistance necessary.

After her tantrum, she and I had a short talk about her behavior and what would be more effective than crying in a situation such as this one. Unlike my blog posts, I keep my conversations with my daughter short and to the point. In this case, noting that I could not tell what she needed me to help her with because I couldn’t understand what her crying meant and telling her that when she was able to tell me that she thought her dress was on backwards, that gave me the information I needed so that I could help her. Which led directly into the two of us practicing what that transaction would have looked like without the crying. And then, naturally, there was hugging, high-fives, and tickles.

So now, my daughter understands that showing emotions is not taboo and she has tools to be more effective in communicating her emotions and her needs in the future. Will she remember this next time? Who’s to say? She is still three, and she will need a lot of practice to cultivate her emotional intelligence, as do we all. As she gets older I will likely do what I did with my son and remind her that if she is so overwhelmed that she feels the need to lash out or tantrum, it means she needs to take a short break in her bedroom or somewhere else where she can be away from the situation which triggered the outburst until she can calm herself down enough to deal with it.

But for now, she is exactly where she should be and I have no intention on punishing her for not knowing how to handle an overwhelming situation at the tender age of three. I’m 36, and I still need the occasional reminder. And I’m thankful that the people in my life do not feel the need to punish me when I get overwhelmed.